It’s been almost 15 years according to Mr. Perfect he’s never wrong. He was completely justified when he fractured my right eye socket 7 years ago, honestly who do I think I am walking near my dog. I can still feel his knee smashing into my face as I was on the floor where he threw me. The sound my bones made as they were crushed, when he finally let me up I ran to the bathroom to try and clean myself up, that’s when I realized my eye was actually popping out. I was shocked scared and yet again defeated by a self important drunk. After about an hour of begging promising to say I hurt myself I was allowed to call a friend for a ride to the ER. My friend J came of Mr. Perfect insisted on going drunk like always on the way to the hospital he told J he needed to stop at the store quick. After about 10 minutes he came out with yet another 12 ok of beer, yea my eye is bulging out of my face and he needs beer for the ER. He stashed his beer in the bushes outside the ER door, came in while I checked in needs to make sure he isn’t to blame. I tell them I tripped and fell on my face while taking my dog out. He stands behind me laughing saying yeah she’s always hurting herself. After I’m taken to the exam room and they have done initial check, he ducks out to go chug a beer probably 2. It’s been about 30 minutes he comes in just about the same time as the doctor. The doctor was asking what happened Mr. P starts telling him how I am always falling or walking into things and injuring myself. Doctor is looking at me and asked what happens tells Mr. P I need to answer of course I give the I took my dog out and tripped and landed on my face, I feel like an idiot, I’m sure he doesn’t really believe me. Doctor says I need x-ray and MRI someone will be back to get me. Doctor leaves room Mr. P tells me I’m a stupid fucking retard and goes outside for another beer. After about 20 min he’s back to check on me. Hahaha in reality wants to make sure I keep my mouth shut.
They come to take me for MRI, the x-ray tech that came to get me says oh my goodness what happened, Mr. P immediately tells her how I’m clumsy and can’t stand up with out hurting myself and laughing about it, I say nothing I’m embarrassed and humiliated. Just the way he likes it. He starts to follow me to the x-ray area and is told he can’t come. Puts a show on gives me a kiss on my forehead and says I’m going to go outside for a smoke I’ll be right back. (Reality to chug more beer) after x-ray and MRI I’ve been gone about 40 minutes I’m back in exam room he’s sent many text am I done yet he doesn’t have time for this shit. Tell him I’m back says he will be right there. The doctor comes back in tells me my eyes socket and cheek bone are crushed I need to be sent to SMH and he’s already called medical transport. Mr. P comes in as the doctor is telling me I will probably need surgery. Mr. P is pissed asked the doctor if I could wait and go to rochester tomorrow, doctor said no this is a serious injury and medical transport is in the way. Doctor leaves Mr. P is complaining I’m wasting his time I should learn how to fucking walk so I wouldn’t fuck myself up all the time. Of course I’m crying, again hummuliated his favorite. He tells me he’s going outside. Beer time.
It’s been about 45 min medical transport is here to take me to rochester. Mr. P is still gone, as they are putting me in the ambulance he appears. Says oh it’s time already, asked the EMT to give him a minute he needs to get his stuff they agree. He comes back carrying what’s left of his 12 pack and got in the ambulance. EMT tells him he can’t bring beer with him. Mr. P doesn’t understand says only 4 left they aren’t open, EMT says no beer. So Mr. P says ok give me a minute to put this somewhere. It’s been about 5 minutes we are still waiting, EMT says sorry we need to go and we start to pull out. Mr. P appears at the exit with an open beer in hand of course. Chugs what he has left and complaining we were going to leave him. EMT tells him I need to get to SMH my injury is serious. He gets in the ambulance and we head out. He starts tell EMT how I’m always fucking myself up I can’t do anything without hurting myself laughing at me. Again hummuliated. Starts telling them about other injuries I’ve “cause myself” laughing he says I look like I went a few rounds with Mike Tyson. Yup there it is humiliation. He loves making me look like an incompetent fool.
It’s a 90 min drive we finally get to SMH. I’m taken to an exam area when nurse leaves he starts I’m a stupid fucking whore, he’s wasting a whole day he has better things to do, I need to learn to walk. I realized at this point he actually believes the I fell? No he doesn’t but I need to believe it. I’ve had to tell the stupid story about 10 times by now. I don’t think anyone really believes I tripped and fell but I’m trying. The specialist comes in looks at me looks at Mr.P says wow this is a serious injury what happened? I give him the story. He looks a Mr. P looks at me and says this didn’t happen from a fall, the x-ray and MRI makes it look like your face was crushed my something. I’m crying saying no I fell. Humiliation. Doctor tells Mr. P to step out he needs to examine me, Mr. P isn’t happy wants to stay and was asked to step outside. The doctor is looking at my eye pulls up my x-ray and says he knows Mr. P did this. I’m crying still trying to convince him it was my fault. Doctor isn’t convinced but let’s it go. Tells me not only is the orbital broken as well as cheek but nerve damage is apparent. I will need surgery it will have to wait until the swelling subsides. Tells me Mr. P is going to kill me and I was lucky today wasn’t the day. Humiliation, seems to be my BFF. Doc patches my eye gives me meds and tells me he wants me to rest awhile and think. He tells me this is a major injury, Mr. P and his giggle about how I did it to myself is unnerving. Doctor says that man will kill you. I’m still going with the story. Doctor says rest for a bit, I’ll be back and leaves.
I’m laying there, tears won’t stop and it’s pissing me off I’m pissing myself off. I can’t even blow my nose because it will pop my eye out again. The drugs I was given are making me drowsy, I’m falling asleep but not real sleep I just want to go home and hide from the world. I keep asking myself why I protect him, thinking about all the injuries he’s caused me and broken ribs too many times to count concussions at least 3 per year broken shoulder, collar bone, elbow all broken, all with the I fell or I walked into stories. Realizing Mr.P has never apologized how could he why would he, I did it to myself. I fall asleep. When I wake up Mr.P is standing there the alcohol is wearing off and he is pissed he had to leave his beer for this bullshit, why did the doctor make him leave what did I tell him, I must be fucking him because I’m a lying whore. The tears start again it’s pissing me off. He was loud nursing staff called security they came in asked if I needed anything told them no everything is good. They tell Mr.P to keep it down. He chuckled tells them he’s sorry it won’t happen again. I’m thinking wow he knows that word? (Sorry).
It’s been a few hours they discharge me. We are almost 2 hours from home with no transportation. He calls his mother who works in the area. She will come pick us up and take us home. Impending doom that was the feeling knowing I would be trapped in a car for that long with the 2 of them.
Outside the hospital waiting for his mother, he’s been several hours with no alcohol he’s pissed telling me I need to be more careful he’s sick of this shit, I should be thankful he puts up with my shit. She’s finally here to get us. Asked what happened tells her the I fell story but with tons of insults I’m stupid, clumsy, can’t do anything right, I should learn to fucking listen. For 2 hours they are cracking jokes about me almost taking my eye out. Humiliation yet again.
I’m sitting in the back trying to ignore the shitty comments (his mother is far worse than he). Thinking about why I allow this to happen. I know why, my earliest memories are being beaten I have been groomed for this since birth. I’m nothing more than a punching bag. I know this isn’t true no one deserves this, but I can’t walk away. On some level I believe everything he says, but I know it isn’t true. Yet here I am. If I know why I tolerate the nonstop verbal and escalating violence, why can’t I leave. This is the mind fucking of a narcissist.